when the lights fall and we rise
by conventgirlvampire
Summary: She cuts all ties with her, not knowing how much she wanted her and not caring anymore. She's going under but it doesn't matter so much now, maybe not ever.
1. the fall was harder than we thought

**Title:** when the light falls and we rise

**Chapter:** 1

**Characters/Pairings:** Karma Ashcroft, Amy Raudenfeld, Lauren Cooper, Shane Harvey, Soleil; Karmy, Amen, Soleil/Amy, mentions of Kiam

**Word Count:** 2,619

**Spoilers:** References up to "Faking Up Is Hard To Do".

**Summary:** She cuts all ties with her, not knowing how much she wanted her and not caring anymore. She's going under but it doesn't matter so much now, maybe not ever.

**A/N:** This originally stemmed from the preview for the ep but got finished after because I take a while to write sometimes. It's supposed to be a two shot (we'll see how long that lasts) and this is the first part.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own _Faking It_. All rights belong to MTV and Carter Covington.

* * *

**Chapter One**

**the fall was harder than we thought**

In the aftermath, she did not chase after her, did not call her, did not try to contact her. She was tired, weary of the hiding, the pretending, the illusion of it all and she just wanted to let herself feel something other than fleeting hope all the time.

She wanted something solid, something she could feel good about and someone who would not play with her mind the way Karma did. Even if it was unconscious, she still felt the beginning of hatred for her best friend that it fed, still felt the rooting of resentment in her body whenever they kissed for the adoring, ignorant masses.

That was what the thing with Soleil was, really. There was nothing at first, no way out and no one to help her escape. Then, suddenly, there was something with this gorgeous, alluring girl that she could not help but fall into like a bad habit on a Sunday afternoon.

This was not love, was not anything. They fought and they fucked, tore each other down even as they brought each other to feel something other than the crushing weight of their own lives. Soleil was the throwaway toy to her broken heart, Liam's to her Karma's.

She would have hated herself for it but she could no longer seem to care. The thing with Liam had brought everything to a head and now she was drowning in a sea of her own desperation.

The only person other than Shane who seemed to care, shockingly enough, was Lauren but even that seemed normal after a few days. They would sit together at lunch, neither girl saying anything to each other but that did not matter. Just knowing that the other was there seemed to be enough for them and so it continued as if it had always been that way.

Her mother, too, seemed to be coming around now that Karma was out of the picture, seemingly for good. They had never truly understood each other, Amy too much a reminder of her father to ever have a comfortable existence under her mother's roof, and yet, she seemed to find herself in the woman's company more often than not. It would have been awkward, unsettling, except it was not and could not be like that. Now, more than ever, she needed her, needed someone to tell her that she was loved, was cared for in a way that would never stop even if they did not know how to express it.

She did not even care that she was supposed to be angry with her, that her rage was supposed to be pounding through her body around Farrah Raudenfeld because she no longer felt those things. All she felt now was alone and she happily grabbed onto anything and anyone who would help her escape that state.

* * *

Karma was adrift, lost and confused as she would stare at Amy day after day; Amy who refused to look at her now, who refused to acknowledge her in any way that might have even hinted at what they were before. It was almost as if their entire history, the things that made them who they were, had vanished when they broke up, stopped what they were doing for some reason that even she could not understand now.

Only, it was still there. Had it truly vanished, Amy would not be her sweet, adorable Amy whose smile would cause one of her own to come into being. If it had vanished, their separation would not hurt the way it did, would not make her want to scream out in desperation for something that would bring them back to normal, back to each other and everything they had had.

It was her fault, she knew that, but she had never wanted to force Amy into anything, had never wanted to make the other girl do something that she was completely against. She was simply happy that her best friend had agreed to do this with her and she had gone along with where it took them, the perfect excuse to have everything she wanted and still keep Amy by her side.

Only, that had not been everything, had not been what she truly wanted when everything came crashing down on her. Now, she was lost, alone and confused because Amy was moving on without her.

It was not supposed to be like this, was not supposed to play out the way it did. They were supposed to be pretending to break up, supposed to remain friends even as she got the boy and the popularity.

It only became worse the day she walked in on Amy and Soleil, Soleil who had been with Liam so many times, Soleil who was pretty and sexy and everything Karma just was not. She did not understand, did not get how Amy could be with her like this, eyes dark, lips parted, chest heaving, rumpled and disarrayed as she was.

For the first time, she finally saw her, finally saw what Amy could be, what she always was, and it confused her.

"What?"

"Don't," that familiar voice said. "Just…just get out of here, Karma."

"Amy…"

"I believe she said get out."

She glared at Soleil but backed out of the room anyway, her heart beating rapidly as she tried so hard not to lose sight of Amy until she could no longer avoid it.

The last thing she would remember about that encounter was Amy's expression, not the deer in headlights she would have expected but, rather, indifference. It cut through her, sending her into a spiral of confusion as she walked away, wondering exactly when and how they had become like this.

* * *

She allowed Soleil to touch her, to play and tease whenever she wanted but in the end, she was the one in control. She had the power to stop this with a single word and yet, she did not want to.

Shane knew this well enough, told her all the time that this was not her and yet, she could not find it in herself to care. She wanted to be someone else for a change and this time, it would actually work.

There were no feelings involved, nothing to suggest that she wanted someone else. This was simply about gratification and pure lust, about giving in and not giving a damn about who got hurt in the process.

She was self-destructing, she knew that, but she could not stop. She wanted more, wanted so much more than what she had already been given and yet she could not fight for it, could not do anything to get it back and more.

It was fun until it was not and then, she had no one to turn to but Lauren, no one who would understand exactly what change meant to someone whose life had been everything she had wanted until someone else made a decision but her. It was strange, how much she seemed to have in common with her now, but it was suddenly a good strange, something that let her be happy for a while in that transient way that was so addicting.

The first kiss was an accident. They had tripped over Lauren's shoes while arguing about something in her room and Amy had somehow ended up kissing her on the mouth. Neither of them spoke about it after the fact, but both knew that something would change.

The second kiss came via Lauren's planning as did the third and the fourth. She was not Karma but she made her forget, made her not think about her in much the same way that Soleil did. She did not want to do this, did not want to ruin whatever tentative peace she had forged with Lauren by using her like this but Amy could see no way out of it.

She just wanted to forget and Lauren? She did not know what her motive was but she was willing to pay the price if she could stop feeling.

* * *

She had Liam now. She knew that she should be happy but there was a part of her, a part that she could not shake, that refused to believe the lies she told herself. She was too far from that to even successfully convince herself and, somehow, that became the part of her that shuddered away from Liam's touch, had always moved away from him whenever things were getting to be too much.

She wanted Amy back, wanted her best friend with whom she could spend whole nights watching _Dance Moms_ and who would make sarcastic comments about the way the girls trained just to get a laugh out of her. She wanted her, wanted the girl who had been by her side since kindergarten, and not even Liam could distract her from that.

It was painful, that wanting, her insides feeling hollow now that she had somehow lost the one person that mattered, the one person she had loved unconditionally, in her latest stupid plan gone wrong. It was everything she had been afraid of during that first fight about it, everything she never wanted to feel and yet she could not help herself.

The worst part was knowing that Amy was actively trying to forget her. If nothing else, she wanted their friendship back, wanted back the one person who understood her so well and whom she understood deeply. It was as if a part of her was missing without Amy, as if she had cut off some vital limb that she could not replace.

It was the only thing that had kept her afloat since this all started and now that she was not there, Karma was sinking. Not even the prospect of finally being able to date Liam could bring her to the surface, not that it ever could.

When Amy finally stopped parading around the school with Soleil, she could only feel relief. As much as she tried to deny that she was jealous, she was also concerned about the kind of person Amy was turning into. The girl she had known for so long was too careful for this, always thinking ahead and never letting her impulses dictate her actions.

Without Soleil, Karma hoped that Amy would at least go back to being her, to being the girl who hated to make small talk but still somehow managed to attract people. She hoped that Amy would go back to being the kind of person who would go somewhere with you if you asked but was also perfectly content to stay at home watching documentaries about girls in Pakistan or bad reality television.

She wanted Amy to be Amy again.

Only, that did not happen and soon, Soleil was replaced by Lauren, of all people. That hurt more than the thing with Soleil, hurt more than Amy ignoring her whenever they saw each other. It hurt so much that she could no longer look Amy in the eye whenever they saw each other, too afraid that she would see the pain and simply not care anymore.

It was her fault and she knew that but she did not need the reminder, did not need to see how much she had changed things between them. It was too much, too fast, too little of Amy that she now had access to and she could not help but feel stung.

As she lay in bed a week after Amy had replaced Soleil, she could not help herself as her mind wandered back to that day when she had caught the two of them in that classroom. Amy had looked so guilty, so apologetic for one brief moment before indifference had taken its place.

It made her wonder exactly what was going through her mind then, what she was thinking as she let Soleil touch her like that. She wondered why Amy had even let it get that far, why she had looked like that to start with.

It was not fair but she could not do anything about it. Amy barely looked at her anymore and every time she did, it was without that same warmth she used to have before they had ended everything.

* * *

She found out about the pills when Shane approached her after lunch.

"Lauren's on drugs Amy. You sure you want to go down that road?"

She tried to ignore him, tried to get away in order to get to class, but he was persistent and loud. Whatever else she and Lauren had between them, the other girl did not deserve this, did not deserve to have whatever it was outed in public without her consent or her presence.

Grabbing Shane, she dragged him through the hall and into an empty classroom where she could confront him. She owed Lauren that much, owed her so much more than she would willingly admit. They were closer now, almost friends but not quite, and she knew that this would ruin her.

"Shane, whatever it is you're planning? Forget it. Just leave Lauren alone for once, please?"

"You're kidding me, right? The girl's a total and complete bitch to you and now you're begging me to not get revenge? Amy, she wanted to ruin you."

She shook her head. Lauren may not be happy in Austin but at least she had Amy's mother and, now, Amy herself.

"Leave it alone, Shane. Whatever Lauren's on, it's her business."

"But-"

"No. Tell anyone and I'll make you regret it."

The threat felt strange on her tongue, foreign and uncomfortable. She was willing to stand up for those she cared about but this? It was so completely out of character for her that she did not stay to see Shane's reaction, leaving for class instead.

She spent the rest of the day avoiding him, avoiding anyone who thought to ask about Lauren, angry that Shane would sink so low. She would protect her in much the same way Lauren was helping her, words cutting into those who would not back down from their crusade against her, never bothering to stop and think of how this may have looked.

It was something she would have done for Karma but she did not let herself dwell on that, did not let herself remember. Bad enough that she still missed her but this? She would not let herself go there.

* * *

She would watch with a sinking heart as Amy wandered the school with Lauren, would wonder whether Amy had replaced her with someone else, with someone who was not afraid or confused. She did not know why Lauren had to be that person but a part of her felt like she deserved it.

As time passed, she forced herself into Liam more, allowed him to do whatever he wanted to her without thought for the consequence. Amy had been her everything and she had lost that in pursuit of him, had lost her despite her best efforts to have both of them.

Karma knew it was wrong, knew that she should not have done that, but she could not help herself. As much as she wanted change, wanted something more than what her life had been, she had not wanted to let go of Amy, to take a step forward on her own. She had wanted to keep her there, to still have that sense of security she needed.

It was not much of an excuse for her behaviour but it was the truth. Everything else, she buried, not wanting to think about the ramifications of her actions or remember the way Amy had looked just before she had walked away.

It was something she would never forget.


	2. the dark rises up to meet us

**Title:** when the light falls and we rise

**Chapter:** 2

**Characters/Pairings:** Karma Ashcroft, Amy Raudenfeld, Lauren Cooper, Shane Harvey, Liam Booker, Soleil; Karmy, Amen, Soleil/Amy, Liam/Amy mentions of Kiam

**Word Count:** 2,651

**Spoilers:** References up to "Faking Up Is Hard To Do".

**Summary:** She cuts all ties with her, not knowing how much she wanted her and not caring anymore. She's going under but it doesn't matter so much now, maybe not ever.

**A/N:** Um…so I saw the finale and hated the ending even though I understood why (mostly cuz I wanted a different, very specific ending but whatever). Anyway, having seen it, I changed my plans and ended up adding at least another chapter to my plan so trust me when I say that I'm not going to leave it like this. *prepares for the fire and pitchforks*

**Disclaimer:** I don't own _Faking It_. All rights belong to MTV and Carter Covington.

* * *

**Chapter Two**

**the dark rises up to meet us**

The kiss was not supposed to happen, was never supposed to be the end goal of their meeting. She had only meant to confront Amy, to force her into talking about what was going on between them. She had only wanted to know what was wrong with them.

Only, her body had had different ideas and she found herself pushing Amy back, forcing her against the door as their lips met, as their tongues danced while her hands memorised Amy's body for the first time in weeks. It was heaven, this feeling, and she never wanted it to stop never wanted to let go of the girl beneath her ever again.

She did not want to let go, did not want to stop. She needed Amy, needed everything she was and everything that she had the potential to be, simply because without it she was incomplete. Without her, she was less than she should be and she hated that feeling, hated being without her.

"Stop."

Amy did not push her away, did not try to escape, but that one word was all that Karma needed to suddenly find herself on the other side of the room, tears slowly tracing their way down her cheeks as she stared at her. It hurt, it hurt so much but she could not help herself.

"Amy…"

Amy shook her head, refusing to meet Karma's eyes. She did not know why, did not know what it was about Amy that seemed so different, so much sadder now, but she wanted to go to her, to hold her, touch her, comfort her.

She held herself back. They were not finished yet, had not even started, and she could not risk it, could not make any stupid moves until she was sure that Amy would not run from her, would not run from them. She did not want to run the risk of leaving this room without having resolved anything.

"Amy, please."

"No!" Amy looked up then, eyes wide with panic, her hand held out in front of her as if to ward Karma away. "Don't come closer, please. Just…stay there. I can't be around you like this, not now after all this time."

"But-"

"Look, I know you Karma and I know that you miss this, miss us, but I can't do it anymore and I'm begging you not to ask me to."

"You can't do that."

"I can and I am, Ashcroft."

She wanted to protest, to say something to counter that, but the words stuck in her throat, latched on to the walls and refused to come out.

* * *

Walking away from Karma was surprisingly easier this time, unsurprisingly more painful. She could still feel her on her lips, could still feel the way Karma had hung onto her as if she would die without her. It haunted her the way Karma always did, made her want more of what she could not have.

She shook her head, trying to dislodge such traitorous thoughts. They were over, finished now, and there was no going back. There never had been.

Lauren caught up with her later that day, the pills that Shane had threatened to out her about doing little to dissipate that almost frown on her lips. She recognised this, knew the signs she had learnt to look out for with Bruce. Where her mother and Lauren had bonded over the things they loved, she and Bruce had bonded over the people in their lives and it was with this in mind that Amy would help her to escape.

Lauren needed this, needed it in much the same way that Amy did but they both knew better, knew too well how temporary a fix it was. Still, she had to do something, had to stop Lauren from doing something stupid, something she could not come back from.

Only, Lauren needed something from her that she could not quite give, not anymore, and soon she found herself kissing her again. This time was different, infused with desperation and a desire to feel something that she understood all too well, a want to fill that hole in the pit of her soul that had been torn away.

"Lauren, no," she murmured when she pulled away, breathing hard and fast. "Stop."

They were both destroying themselves, destroying the remnants of who and what they were, like this. She knew that, knew that it could not continue if she wanted to survive, but she did not know if Lauren could.

Lauren shook her head and attempted to get closer but Amy held herself away, not daring to break their gazes in case she were to give in again. Lauren needed this, she needed this.

"No. It's…It's not going to fix what's wrong."

"I know that, you idiot. Doesn't mean I can't have any fun."

She shook her head and turned, running out of the room, away from Karma and Lauren and everything else that could hurt her. She had to get away, had to escape every piece of her life that seemed to want to press against her and break her into a million tiny shards.

She did not look at where she was going, did not notice who or what was in her path as she moved, not caring and wanting so much to stop breathing. It would be easier that way, easier than having to live with the consequences of her and Karma's mistakes.

* * *

She broke it off with Liam, ended things before she could think about what she was doing. She hated that she had to give him up but she wanted Amy more, wanted to have her more than she wanted Liam or popularity or any of the things she had started everything for.

Her parents looked at her after she told them, all smiles and shining eyes but she did not really care about all of that. All she wanted was to get back her best friend and she thought that this was the place to start.

Liam stopped talking to her, stopped trying to come after her once the first week had passed. They no longer spoke, no longer hung out, nothing. She knew that that would happen but it still hurt in a way that she could not just brush off.

It did not help with Amy. The other girl still refused to acknowledge her, doing her best to act as if Karma was no longer there.

For a while, it appeared as if she was doing the same to Lauren but then two weeks pass and she saw them together again, closer than they were before. She was not sure what to do with that but she let it be, tried to ignore it as only she could.

After all, she had no say in anything to do with Amy's life anymore. She had made sure of that again and again and, as much as it hurt, she needed to let go, to move on and pretend that the pain was not there. If Amy could do it, she could too.

* * *

"Hey."

She looked up, her eyes not as focused as they should be, at the sound of that voice. Recognising him, she nodded in acknowledgement, returning her gaze to where Karma was dancing in Shane's living room.

They were both drunk, both hurting from the wounds inflicted by that girl but she did not want to talk, did not want to think about it. She just wanted to feel nothing, to stop feeling so damn much and move on from this constant push or pull.

Maybe that was why she did it, why she took his hand and pulled him to an empty room on the house's first floor. It was not pleasurable, was not what she really wanted, but he helped her forget, helped her pretend for one small moment that she had her.

He was not rough, not inattentive, but he did nothing for her, not like Soleil or Lauren or, distractedly she thought, Karma. Then again, she felt nothing for him, not like that and certainly not in the moment anyway. For her, this was just a means to an end, he was just a means to an end.

* * *

She had not expected this, had not expected to find them like this, Amy beneath him, touching him, kissing him, letting him do to her the kind of things that she refused to acknowledge that she wanted to do.

She could not think, could not feel, could not breathe at the sight. She felt more than pain, more than just betrayal then, not quite believing what she was seeing. She just stood there, unable to move as she watched, wanting to scratch her eyes out, to claw away her skin, to do anything to distract herself from what was happening.

Only, she could not. It was too real, too there, for her to deny it. It was too much for her to ignore and she did not know what to do with it.

A hand on her shoulder pulled her away from the door, away from everything and everyone that was hurting her, but she did not care. What was important was not what was going on but what she had caused, what her stupid plans had caused.

She did not even understand what was going on could not understand. Neither of them had liked each other that much, had never cared much for the other. And yet…and yet…

It hurt her head to think about it, to try to understand it so she stopped. She just stopped, letting Shane lead her away.

* * *

Time slowed down for Amy. Sometimes it felt as if its passage never even occurred. All she knew was that she was sinking, turning in on herself and she could not stop the process. She wanted to, oh how much she wanted to. She wanted to stop, to fix herself and live again, but she could not.

Liam was an escape, unexpected and initially unwanted, but an escape all the same. They did not together sex again but she did not much care for the act, not with him anyway. Instead, she would join him in the art room, never saying anything, never doing anything. She never had to.

They did not get along but they did not have to. He was everything that Lauren was not and she needed both of them to just get through the day. Where Lauren would ground her, he would let her fly and she wanted that, craved it in a way that she could only crave Karma.

He knew, he understood and she was grateful for that, if for nothing else. He would never admit to it, neither of them would, but they were in similar situations now, too hurt by one person to think straight, too hurt to want anything to do with her again.

More and more, she pulled away from everyone else, only the few she chose to surround herself with being allowed into her inner circle. It was tiring to just get through the day avoiding Karma, to somehow manage to escape her gaze every time they crossed paths. She wanted more, wanted this to end but she could not do it herself, so she made sure that someone was always there with her.

* * *

She could not remember the last time her parents actually looked at her, could not remember the last time they approached her for more than the basic necessities. Still, she needed them, needed her mother now more than ever.

Her heart hurt too much, hurt more than she thought it would and there was no balm for it, nothing that could let her heal the way she needed to. The only person who could help her now was gone and she did not know what to do, what to say, what to think.

They did not understand, try as hard as they might, and they could not. She did not expect them to but at least they were there for her when so many had left. They were the only ones she could trust besides her, always her.

It was becoming an obsession for Karma, the refusal to even acknowledge her presence. She wanted more than this, more than Amy's quiet acquiescence to her own broken heart.

She wanted to fix things, to go back and be Amy and Karma again, not just Karma. Being alone was too much too fast too soon for her to cope with and she could not help herself.

Amy was in every breath she breathed and she needed to get her back in order to feel alive again. She needed to get back that part of her that had disappeared with Amy.

* * *

His lips were rough, forceful, everything she hated and the opposite of what she really wanted but she did not care. He was a warm body meant to sate a need that could not be sated, a body meant to stand in place for another.

They were drunk again, too drunk to care that they were doing this once more, too drunk for anything else that mattered. All she wanted in that moment was to escape again, to get away from everything and everyone that the world was throwing at her.

What she wanted did not really matter beyond that, made no difference except to taunt her when she needed it least. The only thing that did matter was that she forgot for a moment all the things that were wrong, all the things that were broken and beaten.

It was not supposed to be like this, was not supposed to be her and Liam in this bed, in this state. It was never supposed to be like this and yet it was and she could not turn back, could not return from this.

"You're not into it."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want me to moan like a pornstar? Preen and pose like one of your fangirls?"

For the first time, he smiled a real smile in her presence, one that had her relaxing into the bed as he rolled off of her. This was new, different in a way she could not think about with alcohol burning through her system, in a way she would not allow herself to think of.

They were tired, exhausted from feeling too much and so their walls came down, their guards dropped and they were finally naked with each other. There was no defence left to get through, no barrier to the ridiculous situation they were in and Amy could not help but laugh.

He was supposed to be with someone else, anyone else, doing these things and her? She was supposed to be at home with Karma watching documentaries and bad reality TV on Netflix. Only, life had not quite worked out that way and now she was here, was in the last place she ever thought she would be and all she could do was laugh.

It hurt, it hurt so much and yet she could not stop herself. She just kept going until there was nothing left and even then, she would continue. There was nothing else for her but to continue, to do what she needed to do in order to survive and yet she could not find it in herself to stop or to move on.

Amy was in stasis, not moving and not willing to move, her mind stuck. Karma, Karma, Karma. She was still all that she could think of even now and it stung that she could not stop no matter how much she tried.

A hand found hers and she gripped it tightly, holding on to him as he kept her from floating away. None of them were Karma but she would take what she could get for now, at least until she could move on.


End file.
